Prezly Writes

I spend most of my time in the dark.
My body too tired to move.
My mind buried under fog.
My soul trying to scream.
But suffocates too much.
My consciousness try to not give up.
I do little, tiny things.
I show up to work feeling guilty I don’t perform.
I write text, poetry, sometimes, I have to dig the dirt in my brain, just to get there.
I try to walk at least once the week. There is not much I can do.
I paint occasionally, sometimes everyday.
I dont have any disease. I dont know what’s happening. It lasted for years.
But I can’t make it stop.
People tell me to be willing to change.
How to explain : I try,  but I m so tired, everything is heavy.
And then there is the lack of motivation.
A life that don’t makes me dream.
A routine that makes me sad.
A cold always present.
I dont know how it started; did fatigue made me apathetic or Apathy made me tired ?
It started so long ago.
It’s not like I havn’t tried doctors, pills. It doesn’t help. I know it helps others, not me.
It only makes me even more tired. Even more disappointed.
I write this article trying to name how I feel but all the thing I can say cannot illustrate what it is like to be stopped, to fight with the air. Just to feel alive. To feel something.
I see the world moving. People laughing. They voices are too loud, their happiness too sad. 
I see the world going. While Im stuck in a loop, I fought so hard to break with so little energy.
I used to be a child with infinite battery. I used to be a teenager so quick, so relentless. Feeling life to the bone. Making things happen.
Today I don’t know anymore how we feel anything.
I don’t know how to make things happen that won’t break me.
I hope, I’ll get out of there.
I keep thinking about the future. When I have a bit of energy, I see it bright, I want to dream. My cozy house, a career I love. A feeling of safety. Maybe not romantic love. I gave up on that. But a sense of love filling my life.
A sense of peace.
A career that excites me. Stimulates me. A rich artistic life on the side. Or rather 50/50.
Maybe even more.
Having lived in other countries.

But when I’m tired. I have to focus just to see tomorrow. And its asking me too much to dream of a life.

I don’t know, why I am like this.
I don’t chose to be like this.
I just hope it will end one day.
In a good way.